|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Dear Mike,
I very much admire your skills to express how you feel and what you think about things. I much admire how you deliver those thoughts in such charming suave manor. A difference between us is that I was not born that way so please bare with me.
I am just now learning how to express my feelings properly. I am not very fond of sharing with people who I am. I was raised to keep my mouth shut and never pursue happiness; I was raised to raise myself, and I'm a fighter so I pushed through and I'm still pushing. So that's one big reason I'm so closed up. In the past I've dealt with guys who I may have thought were some kind of cool or big and bad and when they start opening up to me there's this "Man behind the curtain" effect where I realize they aren't this big person I thought they were and there's this feeling of disappointment. I also have a fear of me doing that to someone else. If I express how I feel then maybe some people won't see me in the same way, maybe I'll disappoint them. I've disappointed a lot of people in my life. I can be a very dynamic person so who one might think I was a minute ago, I might not be the next, and that next person may be disappointing. Also I've had guys get all emotional about me and when they express it they just look like lunatics. This is definitely a unique feeling possibly standing in the lunatics shoes this time. :) I just figure if I tell you how I feel now Mike then what do I have to lose? It's not like we're in contact anyways. As for "The Man Behind the Curtain", well if I show somebody I'm a human with feelings and vulnerability then it's up to them how they react. It's time to let down my curtain.
Remember when we first met? It's not like it was some magical moment but I have it marked in my brain just because well, it was you. I was on a date with Mark and Mark wanted to say hello to you and Chuck. Whenever it was us four, Mark and Chuck seemed to pair up so I naturally just wanted to reach out to the other member so that we weren't left hangin'! Mark and I went on with our date and I felt good. I felt like "Wow, I didn't have anything in common with my ex-boyfriends friends, I'm so glad I have something [photography] to talk about with one of them". Boy I was so gullible! I really was not sure what was going on when I called you to discuss a job and you suggest we either hang out together or hang out with mark as well. The suggestion perplexed me. You'll always have a bit of that mystery to me, McGlothlin.Well you had my number and you sure made use of it. We talked almost everyday, atleast a few times a week. Every conversation was thought stimulating and somehow lighthearted at the same time. I could never be in a bad mood talking with you. I thought we were just friends. But it did cross my mind at some point that "If I had met Mike first instead of Mark first, I'd be after Mike". It really never sunk in though until now when I can see it in hindsight. Mark was upset by our friendship and Mike you will never know how much Mark and I fought over it. I was determined to be whoever I wanted to be without a man laying down some rules for me and one thing I wanted to be so badly was your friend. So when I went to Captain Fun's with you Mark and Chuck I heard about this thing you and Chuck had going on about how many girls you could sleep with by the end of the summer. I immediately had these knots in my stomach. I just had this feeling in my gut that was telling me to step away from you. I was wondering if you were trying to include me in that bet, especially when you were asking me if I would join you at your beach house sometime. I missed the guy I went to Starbucks with who was so thought provoking and I felt fooled. I was just baffled how now I perceived you as a tv stereotypical frat guy...I just didn't know if the first person I saw was you as well or if I was tricked. I believed I was tricked for a long time. Overtime, you crossed my mind here and there, but not nearly as much as when I began watching the Gilmore Girls. My roommates and I would watch all 7 seasons over and over because we had no cable. There is this very charming character. Your faces couldn't pass for each other's but I'd say you have similar facial structures and both have lighter blonde short hair. He's mysterious, adventurous, playful. His daddy is a business man and what's expected of him is that he follow suit, but he's a party guy so he doesn't take it seriously. He's a total ladies man. Eventually he goes for a girl that's not like the typical college party girl [it's disgustingly cliche but it is what it is!]. Everytime I saw this character for months I'd think of you, it took me a while to seperate you and the character. I kept dismissing my thoughts about you reminding myself of that bet and then the knots would come back. I wished I could meet someone like the guy at Starbucks, but minus ever trying to get into my pants. I wondered what you were up to. One time I even asked Kristen at Seville if she had seen you and what you were up to and if you had a girlfriend. She hadn't seen you in a while. But what she used to say when I went to Seville is "Every time I see Mike, he asks about you. I think he likes you".
When Mark and I broke up I was quick to call you. I was on the rebound and I wanted to do what I wanted to do. When I was with Mark I was craving passion, romance and fun. I was craving a physical relationship that maybe t.m.i. but I was denied it for a long time so I wanted to find someone who genuinely physically wanted me, or more than one person who wanted me. It's like I had been on this tight budget for a year and a half, and all of the sudden I have all this money and freedom to buy whatever I wanted, so I wanted everything and everything 2x so I could have more than one color. I grabbed everything on the wrack lol. I wanted to persue my curiousities so I did just that. I dated wrecklessly. I'm not sure "dating" is the proper term for a lot of the ways I was directing my guy friendships. I wonder if you felt any similar when you had that bet because you did explain to me that some girl had broken your heart a few months before that. I am in no position to judge anyone for doing this or that that was sexual with multiple partners within a short span of time. After this boy named Mark A. (not Duncan) broke my heart, my friend was like "Maybe one of your guyfriends is right under your nose and who likes you and would treat you good, you just haven't given him a chance yet". I immediately thought of you and grinned. I thought "Mike has always treated me well". So that's when we went to Starbucks Round Two. I didn't have any expectations as to how the night was going to go, I usually don't "expect" anything I'm just a go with the flow kinda girl. But I certainly didn't think we were going to be physical at all lol. I was wrong about that one! I don't know if you have been trained by a pick up artist but you sure know the right moves. I really appreciated how when you were running a few minutes late, you texted me the whole way there so that not for a second was I sitting there wondering "Where is this boy??" looking at my watch. I liked how you opened the doors for me and brownie points for the car door because I usually have to stand there and wait and remind a guy but you just did it. I really really appreciated that you remembered details about me like where I worked over a year ago and just details I wouldn't necessarily remember about someone myself. I'm not sure I even dressed to impress that day, and I never really did around you because I was always feelin' you more like a friend because I thought you were a player. I should have ended the night at Starbucks. When we were at Cabana's and you were rolling your fingers down my leg...ooooh lol....I was glad something could finally happen and it not be in my conscience as betrayal to Mark. When you kissed me on the lips I was gone. It's like an alcoholic who started with one drink, by the end of the night he's wondering how many drinks he had and how did he get to this point. That "little" kiss was amazing. I'll stroke your ego and give you that. You just gave me a small kiss and from there I grabbed you and wouldn't let you go even after you let go about three times before you realized I wasn't backing down.
Excuse me for being very forward, but your body is magnificent. You are like my favorite height. You are close to my height enough to dance together but have that manly edge to be just enough taller that I can wear heals around you. You have a wonderful...lower body all around to say it modestly! lol! You're so soft you're just perfect to cuddle, I love your stomach and your chest, they are the perfect size to me, I just love everything about your body. Your lips are perfect. This doesn't sound hot but LOL I love the size of your face!!! LOL. I love to put my hands around a good sized face before I kiss a guy.
Like I said about my shopping spree, I hadn't been touched in a while, been told I was beautiful, been grabbed, been held, been treated like I was wanted, and I WANTED. lol. So I thought to myself while I was kissing you "I know this could ruin our friendship because that's what typically happens with these types of things. But this is Mike, and this is the only reason he's been sticking around anyway, so give him what he wants [because it's what I want too right now]". I would come to regret those thoughts for months afterward. It's kept me up at night, upset me throughout the days. I convinced myself our friendship was disposable. I convinced myself that all you wanted from me was physical and I convinced myself that I wouldn't miss you again like I did before, I thought I was stronger and past that and could make out with a guy just like guys do and move on. And I've done it before with other guys. It's never bothered me this much. But those other guys aren't you. I looked up to you. Those guys never texted me everyday and tried to get to know me. Those guys didn't have about a year and a half build up of sexual tension before we went for it. I'm a girl. Girls feel connected to people when we get physical which that switch didn't really come on until we were in bed together and you wanted to know how long I wanted this. I didn't answer and reverted the question to you. And you said softly "Ever since you were with someone else". You wanted to know how I felt about things while we were in the middle of the physical stuff. I was on shut down mode and refused to share anything with you because I knew in the morning, even though you just told me you'd "always want me", that things would never be the same and if I gave you my thoughts and feelings you would no longer treat them with respect because I didn't act respectable. Maybe we didn't have sex but I was out of control and in it for the wrong reasons. That morning instead of having the car door opened for me I was told the door was unlocked. I waited in front of the car door anyways. You opened it up for me when you got the hint but it wasn't the same. The conversation in the car was very casual. You thanked me awkwardly several times as I got out of the car. The goodbye kiss was a little weird. Sloppy, a little wet, ackward.
Whenever we made plans after that, nothing ever fell through. I felt confused because you would set a day like Friday, and then on Friday you would text me casually as if we had no plans. I used to hear from you everyday. Now I heard from you once a week. I wasn't going to point it out to you. I knew you were playing some sort of game I just wasn't sure exactly what the rules were to follow them or break them. I had rules of my own, trying to preserve myself as well, and if a guy told me we were hanging out Friday and by Wednesday I didn't hear from him, I was gonna make my own plans and not wait around on him. That went for any man, not just you. Especially you because I had already screwed things up by jumping on top of you on a "first date" and I wanted to know how much you wanted me because I just recently realized I really liked you. You went from last on my list to the top. I figured you knew I was playing a game too. I told you a little about the rules that I had but I never would have told you if I thought I was ever going to use them on you. I wasn't as skilled with rules anymore as I had been out of the dating game for a year and a half. I also hadn't kept up with my guy friends to keep me grounded and remind me what guys main objectives are no matter how nice they are. I knew that I was on the rebound, I was broken from Mark, and I couldn't play this game anymore. I figured I would sound overemotional in my delivery to tell you to go away, and I wanted to avoid that, but eventually I just decided to let it sound emotional, I just needed you out because it was hurting me so much. It wasn't your fault, I knew what I was in for. I've never went so crazy before on a rebound. I decided I'd go out the night you and I were supposed to hang out so that way I could have fun anyway. I didn't know you were going to be there too. I honestly wasn't trying to do anything with your date, like it just kind of happened. I wanted some physical love and I was in that "shopping spree" mode. I blacked out for the first time in my life so I hope I never said or did anything to offend you while I was gone, I was worried about that. It was kind of embarrassing but I'm sure you've seen worse as a party guy. I just wanted to have a good time and got carried away. Does it make for good stories for me to tell? Oh yes! :) But could I have handled myself better? Mmhmm. I did a couple more irresponsible things after that, nearly wrecked my car the next day, and realized that this stuff doesn't happen when Mark is in my life. Mark is like my anchor, he keeps me grounded. I think a little more straight and feel more at peace when he's in my life. I wasn't ready to completely rid him of my life. So here Mark and I are again, Round Two.
For the longest time I wondered what you saw in me. I know you're the kind of guy that everyone knows and I just wondered if you could have any girl you wanted, and with the party lifestyle you live, why you would want me who doesn't really party and who's really quiet. During our Round Two you reminded me of who I used to be when you and I first met. I was very strong, independent and I thought ahead. I had a strong sense of who I was and what I wanted. But when you met me the second time, I had no idea of either of those things. I'm still trying to get back on my feet.
I'm about to stroke your ego some more. You ready? :P You inspire me. We had a conversation years ago and you told me how one day you want that office overlooking the city. And you asked me about my dreams. You told me "You can dream of anything you want to". It's so simple but I had forgotten how to dream. I used to look up to you in so many ways Mike. I still do admire those same traits but I've learned not to look up to anyone because we are all just people at our core, and if we're looking up to someone, we're looking down on ourselves. I admire your swagger. I like how you dress nice, you used to love your watch collection. I like how when you move everything is smooth from how you walk to how you flip your watch over or interact with anyone. I like how you treat other people. When you were working the bar I saw you kiss this elderly ladies' hand and she just adored you and was excited to see you next week. I love a guy who can kiss a girls' hand without being creepy lol. Your friends like you so much they'll help you take down the bar so you can come hang out sooner. And you thank them over and over. You make sure others around you feel appreciated. I so like that! I like how you never gave me a weird look when I was talking awkwardly when trying to answer one of your questions. Found One I was strong, Round Two I was lost so everything came out so nervously. I like how you like to dig deeper than the surface with anything going on with people. I like how your strong and confident but you're also gentle. That's like every girl's cliche dream. You're up to date on hardcore rock and the classics, and you also enjoy a sweet style like Jack Johnson's. I like a guy with a certain taste in music.I like that you have your degree. I like that you're working for your own money. I like that you have standards when it comes to choosing your jobs. You think outside the box. You have a lot going on in your brain and it gives us more to talk about. I don't share your fascination with New Orleans but I can acknowledge that it's unique and full of culture and I like the it excites you. I enjoy that you are so well mannered. It's not typical of you to curse around me or use degrading or innappropriate slang or make any sexual advances. I wonder what your mother is like because you are this way and because you are so close with her. She is lucky to have you as a son. I really miss all these things about you. There's a quote that goes "They may forget what you said, but they will NEVER forget how you made them feel"(Carl W. Buechner). Time is going to keep going and we're forgetting all our conversations. But I'll always remember how you made me feel.
Our friendship is like a haunting now. A ghost that taunts someone, whispering their name, pulling their hair, touching their hand. It's not tangible. It's heartbreaking because a ghost can never take its original form and live again, but it's having trouble passing on to the next phase. That's where I feel right now with you. I know that I screwed up by getting so physical and not valueing our friendship in the heat of the moment. I know I can never take that back. And even though some guys argue that things dont change after getting physical and that its all in a chick's head, I beg to differ. I have the girl tendency to get deeper emotionally in this case, and you by nature had the guy tendency to feel like u just weren't feeling me afterwards as much. That's why the door wasn't opened for me in the morning. That's why our conversations weren't thought provoking anymore, they were just like "What did you eat for dinner?" "Broccoli" "That's cool" lol lame! And that's why plans never fell through anymore.
I don't know who you are Mike. We had so many awesome conversations but I didn't really get to know YOU. I would have liked to. I guess you maybe had your wall up just as much as I did but I did it in silence.
I don't know if you'll ever read this. I would really like to send it to you but when I ask myself my motivation I can't come up with anything I would think you'd feel is useful to you. I put myself in your place and think of how I felt when reading long letters men have written me. I felt flattered but creeped out at the same time. But those guys gave me creepy impressions from day one so I'm not sure how it would go between you and I. One guy told me in person that he'd never try to push his physical boundaries. Then he wrote me a letter saying he wanted to unravel me like a baseball. It went into detail I felt was inappropriate. lol. But I think what he really meant as gullible as I am was something else. He described all the components of a a baseball and how much hard work it would be to break it open and he wanted to be the one to break me open and open up to him. It read way dirtier than I just translated it hehe. Another guy would leave me letters and gifts on my porch 6 months after I stopped answering his phone calls and e-mails. I have so many stories about creepy guys (plural) driving around my house 3x a day slowly, hiding behind shelves at my job to watch me lol, etc. You've likely had creepy girls too and I just don't want you to know how I feel because I don't want to be on a list of stories of creepy girl experiences in your life.
I'm not like you in that you're comfortable with expressing yourself to people. I'm working on it and I'll be just as good as you one day, maybe one day better and I'll teach you a thing or two ;) I like how when you talk to girls you just don't care what they think and have fun. I can be like that too with guys I just meet but not you in particular. I won't shrivel up and die if you don't take a liking to me but I'd like to leave any potential room open for when we do run into each other one day maybe we can catch up like normal old friends.
I fought so hard to keep our friendship and in a desperate moment I voluntarily sabotaged it. I'm sorry that I didn't take you seriously. I'm sorry that I let you open up to me but didn't reciprocate. I absorbed the flattery and kept myself "safe". Now you know how much I adore you and value our friendship and maybe now this ghost can pass on.
Someone told me that I was the first person to like you for you and not just for sex in a long time. I wonder if my efforts to reach out to you contribute anything to you. In a movie when someone screws up and explains how they feel, the situation is magically turned upside down and things are all good. But this is not a movie and the likelihood is that we'll just go about our everyday business. Maybe in this letter I can contribute to a brief smile or a small feeling of flattery and that may be my final contribution to your life. If you or I passed away today atleast I would know that I told you how I felt and how wonderful you are.
You called me sweety, you would tell me you missed me. They may be basic things that are just your personality to say to girls, but believe it or not, Mark doesn't usually do that kind of thing. (He treats me good though in his own way). You always thanked me for anything like just coming by to say hey at your bar, you thanked me when you asked me to wait a few minutes for you to close up and I waited even though I was tired and it turned out to be way more than a few minutes lol but you thanked me and that's not a typical thing to do. You thanked me for calling you. I know it's probably something that's just a part of you that you automatically do but I so appreciate it and adore it. It's reminded me to let people around me know that they are appreciated.
When we hung out the second time you said you promised me two things if I kept hanging out with you: That every time would be an adventure and that you would destroy guys for me. You offered to go anywhere with me. You offered to help me with anything.
I'm not sure I could be your friend again. You're so important to me that if you blew me off or just kept me at a distance where we'd have to always hang out with a group partying or something like that I just couldn't do it. I would want to get to know you. I'd want to finally open up to you as much as I knew how. I'd want lots of thought provoking playful conversation. I wouldn't want to talk about how you had bacon for breakfast and then an awkward unless we eventually seeped into other things.
Pensacola
"about the mike thing, if you were to hypothetically get back with mike, how do you think things would be between you to? how long do you think it would last? more then likely because yall ,have had intimacy together, he has already classified you as one of those girls, the type he's been with. he wouldn't keep you around. he was probably asking around about you either - 1) out of true concern, or 2) because he was trying to make conversation with your friend. if you think about it,mike has numerous girls he's with. he can treat you like a princess because he knows what it takes to get into your pants. yes he may like you, but now that things are changed you can't start back over. you can't expect things to not be sexual if you got back with him."
I can go to 100 people for advice but never find answers because you hold the answers to what you're thinking, and every one else just has different guesses and opinions. They only know my side of the story. Maybe I'll never know. And that hurts but I need to bring myself to move on.
"Why don't I get hugs like that?"
"Mark would kill me but it might be worth it"
I can't say my life would be the same. You always wanted to reach higher than what is and were confident you could get there one day. I'll be so proud and happy for you when you get that office with the city view, when you live in your dream town of NOLA, when you achieve whatever you want to. I'm already proud of you just for having all those wonderful traits and working to support yourself.
| | |
| http://www.pensacolaparacon.webs.com/
| | |
| - Remember that the sun will still rise tomorrow even if I had one too many slices of pizza or an extra scoop of ice cream tonight.
- Never blame my body for the bad day I'm having.
- Stop joining in when my friends compare and trash their own bodies.
- Never allow a dirty look from someone else to influence how I feel about my appearance.
- Quit judging a person solely by how his or her body looks — even if it seems harmless — because I'd never want anyone to do that to me.
- Notice all the amazing things my body is doing for me every moment I walk, talk, think, breathe...
- Quiet that negative little voice in my head when it starts to say mean things about my body that I'd never tolerate anyone else saying about me.
- Remind myself that what you see isn't always what you get on TV and in ads — it takes a lot of airbrushing, dieting, money, and work to look like that.
- Remember that even the girl who I'd swap bodies with in a minute has something about her looks that she hates.
- Respect my body by feeding it well, working up a sweat when it needs it, and knowing when to give it a break.
- Realize that the mirror can reflect only what's on the surface of me, not who I am inside.
- Know that I'm already beautiful just the way I am.
| | |
| 1. I have the right to ask for what I want 2. I have the right to. say no to requests or demands I can't meet. 3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative. 4. I have the right to change my mind. 5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect. 6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards. 7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values. 8. I have the right to determine my own priorities. 9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or prohlems 10. I have the right to expect honesty from others. 11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love. 12. I have the right to be uniquely myself. 13. I have the right to feel scared and say '1'm afraid." 14. I have the right to say '1 don't know. 15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior. 16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings. 17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time. 18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous. 19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me. 20. I have the right to be in a nonabusive environment. 21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people. 22. I have the right to change and grow. 23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others 24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect 25. I have the right to be happy.
(used in therapy)
| | |
| Xanga, I have actually had one for atleast five years! I can't believe I have kept up with it here and there. Most of my
entries are private or protected, so if you actually want to read something meaningful, add me :)
| | |
|
